What if Freddy Krueger looked more like Idris Elba, would that make him any less dangerous? What if Micheal Myers only got out of line sometimes but he was super nice most of the time, is he any less of a threat? That's the thing, most women who encounter abusive partners don't deal with the Lifetime Movie Network psycho version. He's nice, attentive, affectionate but he just has a little temper right? See what I mean, no monster there.
Here's the thing no matter which side of the gender you fall, physically handling a disagreement is a NO GO!
I've seen statements like, that couldn't be me because if I were her I would've..I've made those very statements but guess what? I did ended up being "her". I haven't discussed this outside my close circle because I'm afraid somebody will figure out who I'm talking about and either tell him or think he's a monster. See the mentality? Even when he didn't protect me I still feel the need to protect him and stay silent.
There were several warning signs and I knew them! I have a Sociology degree for Heavens sake, I took classes on how to spot and handle these very situations yet somehow I ended up "her". I don't have daddy issues or low self esteem and still I ended up "her". It doesn't always look like the textbooks or Jennifer Lopez movies so let's switch up the discussion.
In my case it started early, like a few weeks into dating early, but slow. Jealousy was always present and accounted for. Silly disagreements were accompanied with super low blows. Insults like I was stupid or inadequate were staples. He was so good at convincing me everything was my fault I legit believed him sometimes. Then things went from just verbal blows to jacking me by the shirt during arguments. I was isolated from family and friends. I would lie and sneak to go see my own mother like I was creeping with another man. I thought this was the best way to keep the peace. If he was happy then I wouldn't have to deal with getting my feelings hurt or getting the cold shoulder for days.
Then came that day. I got home late one night which caused an argument and before I knew it I was face down in a couch in this crazy restraint hold with a knee in my back. Yes I was physically hurt but the emotional damage was waaaaay worse! I was humiliated, angry, sad, and confused because I couldn't figure out how I got here. I was also afraid to go to sleep because I wasn't sure what could be next. The next day I left with pretty much nothing besides the clothes I was wearing.
I left but that wasn't the end because he still knew where to find me and had zero problem coming to find me. I couldn't block contact for reasons I won't go into. Craziest part? I considered going back! Getting out and staying out are both tremendously hard so please save the comments when somebody confides in you. Offer everything you can ACTUALLY afford to give them because what they may lack, money, shelter, emotional support, could be the very thing that sends them right back to the lap of danger.
Healing from these situations take time. You can't rush the process but there are support groups and if you have a support system, like family, baby it is time to ditch the pride and lean in! Even if you think you can physically handle them JUST DON'T. When dealing with irrational emotions you can not predict if this fight may cost you your life! Seek help and get far far away! Get selfish and protect yourself! There isn't a thing under the sun you can't either get for free or assisted with so PLEASE for the sake of your life hit the ground running and don't look back!